


nothing feels better than this

by seothsayers



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:41:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26411299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seothsayers/pseuds/seothsayers
Summary: “Do you ever just… want that?” Mark asks.“Want what? A boyfriend?” Johnny asks. “Cake on your face?”“No.” Mark’s eyes have glossed over a little, like he has drifted off somewhere else. “Just to be touched, you know?”
Relationships: Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 36
Kudos: 341





	nothing feels better than this

**Author's Note:**

> **content warnings:** internalized homophobia, referenced past homophobia, religious guilt and tense parental relationships. it's all pretty light throughout the fic, but it's still there, hence the warnings
> 
> also i changed my username! i was previously umji :)

It all begins when Mark is drunk.

They are having a small get together to celebrate Yuta’s birthday, all their friends crammed into Taeyong and Doyoung’s tiny flat. It is nice to see everyone – it’s been a while since they could all gather like this because of work commitments, so Johnny takes his time with each and every one of his friends.

He gets to Mark last. Over the course of the night, Johnny had noticed Mark getting progressively drunker – Yuta was very insistent on doing shots and while he knew to stay clear of pestering Johnny, Mark was another story. Now, Mark was sprawled out on one of the sofas, laughing goofily at something Donghyuck was saying from his spot on the floor by Mark’s feet. When he spots Johnny, he sits up and shuffles back to make space, patting the empty spot. “Johnny!”

Johnny, like most of their friends, is weak for Mark so he sits and responds to Mark’s first bump. Donghyuck stands and pulls Johnny into a half-armed hug before he wanders off, probably to get another drink.

“Dude, it’s been too long.” Mark says, eyes wide, glistening.

“A whole month.” Johnny nods. They normally saw each other more frequently but Mark had started at his new job and Johnny had been travelling a lot for work so time had just gotten away from them. “How have you been Markie?”

“Good. Work’s been pretty fun. I’ve met some nice people.” Mark says. “What about you? How was LA?”

“It was good. Warm. You’d like it, I think.” Johnny says.

“We should go.” Mark says. “Maybe next year? I’ve decided I want to try and travel more once I’ve saved some money. You’ll have to give me a tour.”

“I only really saw the inside of the photo studio but sure, I think we could work something out.” Johnny tells him. Travelling with Mark wasn’t something he had every really considered but it would definitely be fun.

There is a commotion from the kitchen and Johnny looks up just in time to see Doyoung smear a chunk of frosting from one of the dozens of cupcakes lying around across Taeyong’s cheek. Taeyong looks outraged for a second, and then switches to disgruntled, pouting. Doyoung laughs, wrapping an arm around Taeyong’s waist. He pulls him close and dips a finger into the mess, licking it off.

Johnny wrinkles his nose and turns back to Mark who is watching them intensely. “Do you ever just… want that?” Mark asks.

“Want what? A boyfriend?” Johnny asks. “Cake on your face?”

“No.” Mark’s eyes have glossed over a little, like he has drifted off somewhere else. “Just to be touched, you know?”

“You can have a hug anytime, Mark.” Johnny says. “You know what Donghyuck’s like, just say the words and he’ll be all over you.”

“No, that’s not… we don’t do that.” Mark says. “I don’t want that.”

“You’re confusing me a little Markie.” Johnny says. “You don’t want Donghyuck to hug you or you don’t want to be hugged in general?”

“I don’t know man. I want to be hugged but I just can’t you know? Feels too weird.” Mark finally turns to look at Johnny. There is something about the look of defeat on his face that breaks Johnny’s heart.

This is clearly rooted in something else – something bigger.

“Why does it feel weird?” Johnny asks after a moment.

Mark rubs at his chest. “It just feels wrong. I don’t know.” He smiles sadly at Johnny and then gets to his feet. “I’m going to get some water, do you want another drink?”

“I’m good.” Johnny stands too and Mark avoids his eyes. “Mark, are you –”

“I’m great! Excellent. I’ll be back in a minute,” Mark says, and then he rushes off into the kitchen.

It takes every inch of control he has to not go check on Mark. It is clear Mark is done with the conversation and Johnny would be an asshole if he pried any further tonight. He’d try to talk to him another time, when the alcohol was out of his system and they weren’t in the middle of a birthday celebration. Johnny sits back down on the sofa and decides to wait a while, to see how Mark reacts when he comes back.

Mark doesn’t come back.

It is obvious he is avoiding Johnny, sticking to the birthday boy and laughing loudly at whatever Jungwoo says. Mark has a cup of water gripped between his hands like a lifeline. Johnny keeps an eye on him but keeps his distance. He doesn’t want to overstep more than he already has.

At the end of the night, Mark bids him goodbye with a stiff wave as Donghyuck shuffles him into a taxi. Johnny goes home feeling nauseous and sleeps uneasy.

.

The thing is – Johnny has known Mark for five years now. Since he was the bright-eyed undergrad at university, always so curious and so eager to be involved in everything. The years had gone by and they had only grown closer. Responsibilities had gotten in the way in the past year or so, but they still made an effort with each other. It all boils down to the fact that even if Johnny wanted to brush this all under the rug, he couldn’t. He can’t stop thinking about what Mark said.

Mark has never been a touchy-feely person. He could handle a half-hug or an arm around his shoulder, but he would shrug it off after a while and was content to be alone. Drunk Mark was a slightly different story – with his inhibitions gone, he seemed to loosen up. Johnny had gotten a few drunk hugs off Mark and he had found that Mark was always more receptive to being touched after drinking too. Johnny hadn’t thought anything of it – some people just aren’t into being touched and that’s completely fine.

If that had been it, Johnny knows he wouldn’t feel the way he does about this all. It was the _it feels weird_ and the _it feels wrong_ and the fact Mark clearly hadn’t meant to reveal how he felt to Johnny, the fact he had avoided him afterwards so he wouldn’t have to talk about it.

It would be a breach of privacy to bring it up to anyone else just because it is bothering him – even Donghyuck, who might already know. This is Mark’s business and it is up to him to decide who he shares it with. That just means that the only person Johnny can talk about it with is Mark himself, which is a little bit of a problem since Mark hasn’t contacted him once since the weekend.

After three days of radio silence, Johnny sends Mark a text.

 **[10:54am]** Hey Mark, want to grab lunch sometime this week?

He goes about his day, meeting clients and carrying out a few smaller photoshoots. Johnny goes home and makes himself dinner, a quick stir fry with the remaining vegetables in his fridge. He watches three episodes of _Selling Sunset_ because he is weak for reality TV drama and he does his bedtime routine, climbing into bed and double checking his alarms for the following morning. Still no reply from Mark.

It is not until he wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet that Johnny sees Mark has responded.

 **[Mark Lee, 01:23am]** ok

 **[Mark Lee, 01:25am]** what day did u have in mind

Johnny responds, blearily pulling up his calendar and checking his schedule for the next few days.

 **[01:45am]** Wednesday?

That was two days from now. Enough time for Johnny to properly think about how he wanted to approach this, but not too long that Mark would work himself into an anxious mess around it. Johnny bites his lip – Mark probably was _already_ an anxious mess. They rarely went a day without texting, not since they’d gotten close. There was no way he didn’t know why Johnny was asking him to meet up.

Before he can impulsively clear his schedule for the next day, he gets a reply.

 **[Mark Lee, 01:47am]** ok

 **[Mark Lee, 01:47am]** see u wed

Johnny shoots off a quick ‘Great! See you then’ before he locks his phone and lies back down. Sleep doesn’t come easy after that, but he rests knowing that everything could hopefully be cleared up soon.

.

Johnny and Mark have a regular lunch spot. It started after Johnny graduated from his master’s and they realised that meeting up with each other was going to be harder now that they weren’t sharing the same campus. The little café was cute, filled with nature décor. It was a safe haven whilst Johnny had been working on his final year project and he had been only too keen to share it with Mark.

Johnny gets there early. He orders their usual drinks and sits at their usual table, away from the door and right by the window. He can see when Mark approaches the café, earphones in, hands shoved in his pockets and eyes trained on the ground. Johnny watches as he pulls out his phone to pause his music, tugging the earphones out of his ears and shoving them into his pocket. Mark’s eyes meet Johnny’s and he walks over.

“Hey,” Johnny says when Mark approaches the table.

Mark smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. There are faint dark circles under his eyes and Johnny internally kicks himself because Mark has never been one for confrontation. He was never going to talk to Johnny first – he would probably have been content to just sweep it all under the rug and pretend it never happened.

But then that would leave him in this state of limbo, still struggling. Johnny couldn’t abandon him there.

Mark tears open a sugar packet and upends it into his coffee. “How has your week been?” He asks.

“Busy so far.” Johnny tells him. “I got to shoot with puppies yesterday, here look at these pictures.” Johnny pulls out his phone and watches a small smile creep onto Mark’s face as he flicks through them. “What about you? How has your week been?”

“It’s…been.” Mark lets out a deep sigh and starts messing with the unopened sugar packets on the table. “I know you asked me here for a reason. You’ve got that look on your face.”

“What look?” Johnny asks.

“Like you don’t want to bring it up right off the bat because you’re scared that I’ll run away.” Mark says.

“You already did run away,” Johnny points out and Mark presses his lips together. “I don’t want to force this conversation onto you, but I want to talk to you about it.”

“I know, I – just. Go for it. What do you want to know?” Mark sighs.

“You said some things when we were at Yuta’s party the other night,” Johnny begins. Mark stops fiddling with the sugar packets in front of him and seems to shrink back in his seat. “Do you remember what you were saying?”

“I… yeah.” Mark sighs. “About being touched, right?”

“Yeah.” Johnny pauses. “I feel like there is a lot to unpack with what you said. I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

Mark’s quiet for a few seconds. “Can we not do it here? I’ll talk but… this is too public.” He says at last, voice low.

“Of course,” Johnny says. “How about we go to the park. We can take a walk. It’s a nice day.”

“Yeah, the park sounds good.” Mark sits back in his seat and the visible tension in his shoulders disappears slightly – he is less hunched in on himself, but he is still rigid with his movements, like he’s waiting from the other shoe to drop. It’s sad. Johnny doesn’t like seeing Mark like this – he’s normally always got a smile on his face, that person you know will try to see the positive in every situation. Now it looks like the life has been drained from him.

They make small talk as they finish their drinks, light conversation about their friends and Mark’s new co-workers. When they are finished, they head to the park. Mark keeps his hands shoved in his pockets, kicking at the ground whenever he spots a rock in their path. It’s almost November now, and their air is cold, but it isn’t freezing. They end up sat on a bench. Johnny notes the space Mark leaves between them.

“Where do you want to start?” Mark sighs, resigned to his fate.

“Why do you think that being held by someone is wrong?” Johnny asks.

Mark takes a moment to gather his thoughts. “When I was in high school, a guy in my class came out as gay. I was like 13, and I knew at that point I wasn’t straight, but I was in hard denial because religion told me that was bad.” Mark pulls his hat from his head and scrunches it between his fists. “When that guy came out everyone was talking about it. I remember at lunch one day some of my friends were chatting shit about how they didn’t understand how you could be gay, that he was too young to know. You know, typical high school homophobia.”

Johnny nods. He did know, but he had been lucky enough to grow up with supportive parents and supportive friends. The homophobia never really had the chance to reach him – not in the way it had done to Mark. He knew their upbringings were completely different, but it didn’t really bleed too much into their lives until they got onto topics like this where it is clear Mark had a rougher time than Johnny could ever fathom.

“They said they were glad he wasn’t one of our friends because they wouldn’t feel comfortable around him. That they would worry about changing in front of him for PE or that he would definitely have fancied someone in the group and would have made it awkward.” Mark says. He tips his head back to look up at the sky. “I knew then that I would never come out to any of them. I didn’t think I would come out to anyone, _ever_.”

“But you did,” Johnny says.

He remembers the moment exactly. They hadn’t known each other long – he had met Mark through Jaehyun who had known him through Jungwoo. They were out celebrating the end of exams and Johnny was on his way to the bar when Mark had bumped into him, rushing away from the dance floor in a panic. _I just kissed a guy_ , Mark had stuttered out, eyes wide. _Well did you want to kiss him?_ Johnny had asked. Mark looked on the verge of a panic attack, so he had flagged down the bartender and gestured for her to bring them some water. _Yes_. Mark’s reply had been whispered, so quiet that Johnny almost hadn’t heard him over the music. Johnny had clapped his down on Mark’s shoulder and said, _well that is perfectly fine then. There is nothing wrong with kissing boys, Mark_.

It wasn’t until much later that Mark had confessed later that Johnny had been the first person to ever tell him that.

“Yeah I did.” Mark shoots him a small smile. “Moving here for university was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It’s easier to move forward when you’re not constantly surrounded by things that are tied to your past.”

“Those are some wise words, Mark Lee.” Johnny smiles. “I’m glad you came here too Mark. We’re all better people for knowing you.”

Mark wrinkles his nose and laughs, that quiet embarrassed laugh he does when he is not sure what to say.

“It hurts to hear shitty things from the people you thought you could trust,” Johnny continues. “But you know that’s not the case now, right? No-one here is going to judge you, not for your sexuality. We’d all be hypocrites. We just want you to be happy.”

“I know.” Mark says. “It’s just…” He taps his forehead. “Tell that to my brain.”

“Maybe I will.” Johnny looks directly at Mark’s forehead instead of his eyes, ignoring Mark’s incredulous snort. “Hey, you listening in there? You’re safe here. You can tell us anything. We are here for you.” He glances down at Mark’s face. “Is it working?”

Mark laughs, the first genuine laugh Johnny has heard from him since this conversation started. The high-pitched giggle is like music to Johnny’s ears, and he can’t help but laugh too because Mark’s giggles are infectious.

“You’re ridiculous.” Mark says.

“Seriously though, I mean it.” Johnny says. “You had me worried Mark. You dropped that on me and then you ran away like the world was about to explode.”

“It’s just embarrassing.” Mark shrugs. “I’m 23. You would think I would be over all this by now.”

“Comments like that can stay with you a long time, especially if you keep them all locked up in your head.” Johnny says. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Yeah, I know.” Mark says, and the smile he gives Johnny reassures him that for now at least, Mark was good.

They do another loop around the park before it’s time for them to part ways and head back to work. “Thanks for today.” Mark says. “For listening.”

“Anytime.” Johnny reassures him.

.

It is a Friday night when Johnny’s phone buzzes. He quickly checks the caller ID before picking up – Mark.

“Hey Mark, what’s up?” He answers.

“Hey, are you busy?”

“No, I’m just at home.” Johnny tells him.

“Can I come over?” Mark asks. “Hyuck’s abandoned me to hang out with Renjun.”

Johnny laughs. “Yeah of course. Come whenever.”

“See you in a bit then.”

By the time Mark shows up half an hour later, Johnny has had time to shower away the grime of the day and pull on his pyjamas. Mark clearly has the same idea, as he is dressed in his cosiest clothes, a hoodie Johnny knows for a fact Mark had stolen from him, and sweats.

“Hey,” He smiles warmly when Johnny opens the door, toeing off his shoes and putting his jacket on the hook he had claimed as his own.

“Want something to drink?” Johnny asks. “I have Selling Sunset queued, and I can’t get through that without a beer.”

“I don’t know why you put yourself through watching it,” Mark laughs. “But yeah, I’ll have a beer.”

“What can I say, I’m a masochist.” Johnny uncaps the beers and hands one to Mark. “Help yourself to snacks.”

It says something that one of Johnny’s favourite parts of adulthood is getting lightly buzzed and trash talking crap TV. He and Mark make it through three episodes before Mark declares that enough is enough and he takes control of the remote. They end up talking anyway, so Mark settles for a nature documentary, the dulcet tones of David Attenborough filling the lulls in their conversation.

“So, I was talking to Hyuck about my, you know… touch aversion.” Mark begins. “I told him what I told you.”

“Yeah?” Johnny raises an eyebrow. “That’s good.”

“Yeah… he suggested I get into contact with one of those professional cuddlers and have like weekly exposure therapy.” Mark laughs. “I told him I’d literally rather die. I think I’d probably spontaneously combust on the spot.” He does one of those fully body cringes and pulls a face that has Johnny laughing. “But it got me thinking like… exposure therapy might not be a bad idea?”

“Go on,” Johnny says, draining the last of his beer.

“I was just thinking maybe I could set aside like a designated time each week where I just… let myself be hugged. Or just touched. Like, I would feel more comfortable about it if it was coming from someone I knew, you know? And you and Hyuckie know the context, so I would feel better going to you guys than anyone else because even though I don’t think they’d push my limits, I’m not quite ready to explain everything to them yet.” He pauses and scratches at his head. “After we spoke the other day it made me realise it’s really been holding me back. Like, I’ve never kissed someone sober. I’ve always had to be drunk to be confident enough to do it. I can’t live my life like that forever.”

“So you want me to hug you?” Johnny asks.

“Only if that’s ok with you?” Mark looks a little afraid then, chewing his lip between his teeth. “If I can get myself used to being held or whatever, I don’t think I’ll be so afraid to initiate it in the future.”

“Of course it is.” Johnny tells him. “Do you want to –”

“Right now?” Mark asks.

“Not if you’re not ready. It doesn’t have to be a hug through, I can just put my arm around your shoulder.” Johnny mimics the action.

Mark hesitates for a minute before he is shuffling along the sofa to slide under Johnny’s arm. His shoulders are tense as Johnny slowly lowers his arm until it is resting around Mark. “This ok?” Johnny asks.

“Yeah.” Mark sits back, letting his head rest against Johnny’s arm.

Johnny turns up the volume on the remote and they watch the TV. Johnny keeps an eye on Mark – it takes him a while to relax, but soon he stops shuffling around and picking at the label on his beer and he settles properly, head even tilting to rest on Johnny’ shoulder.

Over an hour passes and when Johnny turns to look at Mark, he realises he is half asleep. Slowly, Johnny extracts his arm from around Mark and nudges him gently. “Hey.”

“Hmm?” Mark blinks sleepily before sitting up with a jolt. “Shit, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” His voice is gravelly, and he rubs at his eyes.

“Want me to crash here?” Johnny asks. The buses were few and far between at this time of night and he had drunk enough that he didn’t want to risk getting behind the wheel.

“Nah, I’ll just Uber it.” Mark yawns.

“You sure?”

Mark nods. “Yeah. I’ll text you as soon as I’m back.”

Johnny busies himself tidying up whilst Mark orders his Uber. He puts the beer bottles in the recycling and Mark follows him into the kitchen with the empty crisp packets, putting them in the bin.

“Thanks for tonight.” Mark says on his way out the door, pulling on his trainers. “Would… is it ok to do that again sometime?”

“Of course.” Johnny says, and Mark’s smile is radiant.

.

Friday nights become their night. Mark will shoot Johnny a text, Johnny will invite him round and they will make their way through Johnny’s Netflix list whilst Mark gets used to cosying up to him. It’s heart-warming for Johnny to see Mark slowly inch himself across the sofa towards Johnny without prompting, until one day Mark just sits down right beside him, looking at Johnny expectantly with his wide eyes as if to say “well, what are you waiting for?”.

They are a month into their weekly hug hangouts when Donghyuck decides that he wants to go out for drinks, and everyone he knows is invited. By the time Johnny arrives at the bar, Donghyuck’s cheeks are flushed and he has got one arm around Mark’s shoulder and the other around Renjun’s. There are a few others there too – Doyoung, Taeyong and Jeno – and Johnny does the round greeting them all.

“Johnny!” Donghyuck exclaims when Johnny gets to him, dropping his arms from around his best friend and his boyfriend to pull Johnny into a hug.

“Donghyuck. Predrinking again?” Johnny asks.

“Always.” Donghyuck grins.

“Anyone need a refill? I’ll buy this round,” Johnny says, glancing at the empty glasses on the table. He takes orders for Renjun, Donghyuck and Doyoung, but before he can leave for the bar, Mark slides off his seat and walks up beside him.

“I’ll come with you.” He says.

“You good?” Johnny asks once he has ordered their drinks.

“Yeah,” Mark nods. He glances back at their table. “I know the whole point of this thing is to get me used to being touched by people but some days I’m just not feeling it you know? Hyuck can be a bit overbearing sometimes when he’s drunk.”

Johnny blinks slowly. “Just tell him to back off.” He says. “I’ll tell you what, swap seats with me for a bit. I’ll take yours and you can sit in between me and Jeno.”

Mark nods. “Yeah ok. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” Johnny says, waving a hand. “Just… advocate for yourself Mark. We’re following your lead in this. Just because Donghyuck gets ten times clingier when he’s drunk doesn’t mean you just have to put up with it. Sometimes you just need to be explicit.”

Johnny notes the look Donghyuck gives Mark when Johnny takes his old seat, catches the way he mouths “you good?” across the table. Mark nods and shoots Donghyuck a smile. Donghyuck presses his lips together and sits back in his seat.

It takes a little while for Mark to shake off whatever is bothering him, but by the time Donghyuck has convinced everyone that moving to a club to dance would be a good idea, he seems better. It’s probably partially due to the alcohol, but Johnny knows it’s also been a while since Mark has seen Jeno so he wouldn’t be surprised if he was riding on the high of being reunited with one of his other closest friends.

The lights of the club shine green, red and purple over everyone’s skin. It takes Johnny back to when he was in university, when clubbing was something, he did more than studying. It makes him feel a little old, to be honest – that was coming up to five years in the past – but it was hard to feel self-conscious about his age when he was being pulled to dance by Donghyuck and Taeyong, neither of whom seemed to care about where they were or how others perceived them.

Johnny peels away from the group to head to the toilet and wipe away the sweat that was dripping from his brow – he wasn’t really dressed in club going attire, so his shirt was sticking to skin like glue. When he returns, he sees Mark lingering by the bar on his phone. He smiles up at Johnny when he approaches, that happy level of drunk where everything is good and chill. “Hey.” He grins.

“Hey to you too.” Johnny says, nudging their shoulders together lightly. “Where did everyone go?”

“Doyoung and Taeyoung went home, Donghyuck and Renjun are dancing and Jeno went to the smoking area.” Mark explains. “I came to grab some water but didn’t want to go back and be a third wheel.”

Johnny huffs out a laugh. “How about we go and find Jeno then?”

“Lead the way.” Mark waves an arm in front of them.

The smoking area is packed. Mark is on his tiptoes next to Johnny as they scan the place trying to find Jeno. By some miracle it’s Mark that spots him first, and he tugs on Johnny’s shirt to get his attention over the loud chatter. “Over there!”

Jeno’s near the back. It seems like there is a whole ocean of people between him and where they are stood. “You might want to hold on, so we don’t lose each other.” Johnny says to Mark, gesturing to his shirt.

To his surprise, Mark reaches out to take Johnny’s hand instead. Mark’s palm is warm as it curls around Johnny’s and with a gentle squeeze, Johnny starts to make his way through the crowd.

“Hey guys,” Jeno says when they reach him. He offers a cigarette to Johnny – they both agree it is a filthy habit, but Johnny’s always been a social smoker and it’s a hard habit to break – and Johnny has to let go of Mark’s hand to light it, the loss of warmth making his hand feel empty. He shoves his free hand into the pocket of his jeans instead as he takes his first drag.

They chat for a while – Jeno had bumped into someone he knew, Yeeun – and Jeno heads inside first to find their friends. Mark stays with Johnny, hopping about from foot to foot as tries to warm himself up whilst he waits patiently for Johnny to finish up. At this time in the morning, the night air has turned frigid, and Johnny reaches out to pull Mark close. Mark huddles into his side, teeth chattering.

“Come on, let’s get you back inside.” Johnny puts out his cigarette and rubs his hands up and down Mark’s arms to try and generate a little warmth. “You’ll be sweating in no time.”

Johnny holds out his hand for Mark and he takes it instantly and locks their fingers together. Johnny leads him back inside, through the crowd in the smoking area and through the masses on the dancefloor until they find their friends again. Mark lets go of his hand when they start to dance and it shouldn’t bother Johnny, but it does a little. It wasn’t until right now he realised just how much he craved Mark’s touch, how it felt right to have Mark by his side, how he liked the way Mark’s hand fit snugly in his own.

He shelves the thoughts for another, when he’s sober, but they linger through the rest of the night.

.

 **[17:30pm]** We still good for tonight?

Johnny sets his phone down on the counter and sets about deciding what to make for dinner. He is in the middle of rifling through the fridge when his phone buzzes.

 **[Mark Lee, 17:35pm]** sorry I don’t think I’m really up to hang out tonight

Johnny frowns.

 **[17:35pm]** Everything ok?

 **[Mark Lee, 17:36pm]** just one of those days I guess haha

 **[17:36pm]** ok well I hope you feel better soon

Johnny doesn’t even hesitate before pulling up his text chat with Donghyuck.

 **[17:36pm]** Everything ok w Mark?

 **[Donghyuck Lee, 17:38pm]** he went straight to his room when he got in from work ☹ said he was fine but ik that’s a big fat lie

 **[Donghyuck Lee, 17:38pm]** did he cancel on you?

 **[17:38pm]** yeah

 **[17:40pm]** think it would be too much if I stopped round to check on him?

 **[Donghyuck Lee, 17:40pm]** pls come over lol even if you leave after 30 mins

 **[Donghyuck Lee, 17:40pm]** I’m meant to be going out w Renjun tonight and Mark told me not to cancel so I was just going to leave him some food on the side for him before I left

 **[Donghyuck Lee, 17:41pm]** he gets so stuck in his own head sometimes I’m worried whatever it is will just get him even more down

 **[Donghyuck Lee, 17:41pm]** maybe come round in about an hour? give him some time

 **[Donghyuck Lee, 17:41pm]** will leave my keys under the plant pot for u

 **[17:44pm]** 👍

 **[17:44pm]** thanks Hyuck

Johnny waits until after seven before he goes round to Donghyuck and Mark’s apartment. He grabs the keys from under the plant pot and lets himself in. “Mark?” He calls out.

There is no response. Johnny slips off his shoes and locks the door behind him. He checks the kitchen and sees a post-it note from Donghyuck to Mark – _hope you feel better soon <3_. The food is gone so that is a good sign at least.

Mark’s bedroom door is closed. There’s no sound coming from the other side, so he knocks and waits. It’s a few moments before he hears muffled shuffling and then Mark opens the door, hair ruffled and wrapped in a blanket.

“Johnny?” He clears his throat. “What are you doing here?”

“Hyuck asked me to check in on you,” Johnny says, because honesty is the best policy. “And you had me a little worried.”

“I ate.” Mark pointedly avoids Johnny’s eyes and gestures back into his room, where Johnny can see an empty plate on his dresser.

“That’s good.” Johnny says. “Wanna talk?”

Mark sighs. “Only if I can do it from the sanctity of my bed.”

Johnny laughs. “Of course.”

Mark opens the door wider so Johnny can slip into the bedroom and then he closes it behind them. Johnny waits until Mark has crawled back into bed, blanket wrapped around his head and shoulders, duvet pulled up to cover his lower half, before he perches on the other side of the bed.

“What’s up?” Johnny asks.

“My parents are coming to visit.” Mark rubs at his face. “I told them I wasn’t coming home for Christmas because of work and so they decided they wanted to spend some time here which is fine but…” He pulls a face.

“When are they coming?” Johnny asks.

“Next weekend,” Mark says. “I honestly forgot until my mom text me early today. I didn’t realise it was so close.”

“Do you not want them to visit?” Johnny asks.

“It’s not that, it’s just… I feel like I’ve made progress this past month. I’ve realised a few things, gotten a little braver.” Mark lists. “I guess I’m just worried I’m going to backslide the minute they get here and then we are back to square one.”

“Are they just here for the weekend?” Johnny asks, and Mark nods. “Are they staying in a hotel?”

“Yeah.”

“Well then, you can spend time with them during the day and then relax when you come home in the evening. Offload anything that might have bothered you to Donghyuck so it’s not plaguing you for the whole weekend.” Johnny says. “Chances are everything will be fine. Everyone’s here for you Mark. It’ll be ok.”

“Yeah.” Mark sighs. “You’re right. Sometimes I just get stuck in my own head, y’know?”

“I know. Happens to the best of us.” Johnny says. “But let it be known I will have another conversation with your brain if the situation calls for it.”

Mark snorts then, dragging his blanket down to cover his face. “Noted.” When he looks at Johnny again, he is smiling, anxiety laid to rest for now. “How long are you staying for?” Mark asks.

“As long as you’ll have me.” Johnny tells him.

“Want to watch a movie?” Mark says. “If I fall asleep again right now, I’ll be up at like 4am pulling my hair out.”

“Sure.”

Mark pats the space beside him on the bed and Johnny crawls up it, legs stretched out on top of the duvet. Mark sets his laptop between them and snuggles down into his pillows. “Make yourself comfortable dude.” He says.

They are halfway through the movie before Johnny even realises that they have gravitated towards each other, Mark’s head resting on his chest. Johnny’s got an arm wrapped around him and Mark hasn’t even batted an eyelash – it’s testament to the progress he’s made. Mark doesn’t comment when Johnny brings his hand up to rest lightly at the base of his neck, nor does he comment when Johnny starts to play with his hair – at least, not at first anyway.

“That feels nice.” Mark’s eyes don’t leave the screen when he speaks, his voice quiet enough that Johnny almost misses it over the conversation going on in the film.

“Yeah?”

Mark hums, and the vibration against his chest sends a shiver down Johnny’s spine. It’s incredibly domestic, Johnny realises, but he wouldn’t give it up for the world.

They stay like that until the end of the film. Mark sits up and Johnny’s hand falls to rest at his lower back. It is almost ten now, the only light in the room the brightness from Mark’s laptop since neither of them had bothered to get up to turn on a lamp.

“Thank you for coming over.” Mark says earnestly. “I… I needed this.”

“No problem.” Johnny says. “Like I said before, I’m here for you anytime.”

Mark’s eyes are on him, studying him for a moment. They shine so bright even in the absence of light. Mark gets up, pulling off his blanket and rolling off the bed. Johnny misses the warmth at his side instantly.

Mark turns on the light and they both squint at the change in brightness. Johnny watches as Mark stretches his arms over his head, shirt riding up just enough that Johnny can see a hint of his happy trail disappearing into his shorts.

When Johnny’s eyes make their way back to Mark’s, he finds Mark already looking at him.

“I should head back, let you get some sleep,” Johnny says, getting up off the bed. He suddenly feels exposed. “Text me whenever if you need to next weekend, ok? I’m happy to listen.”

“I will, I promise,” Mark says. “Thank you.”

.

Johnny’s phone rings in the middle of the day on Saturday. It’s Mark and Johnny picks up instantly because he’s supposed to be with his parents and if he’s phoning Johnny – well.

“Mark?” Johnny says. “Everything alright?”

“I – yeah, everything is fine.” Mark laughs. “Why, did you think something was going to be wrong?”

“Well you’re with your parents and I wasn’t expecting to hear from you until tonight.” Johnny says.

“Ah,” Mark says. “No, everything is fine. They are doing some shopping right now and I peeled off to go buy some presents of my own. I don’t need to go into those touristy shops, I’ve been there enough times over the years.”

“Right.” Johnny says. “What’s up then?”

“Nothing? I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you, is that weird?” Mark blurts out his words, and rushes to continue talking before Johnny can respond. “Like, we’ve spent so much time hanging out recently and it feels weird that we haven’t this week. I guess I’m a little sad about it.”

There is a pull deep in Johnny’s chest. “I missed you too,” Johnny says, because he it’s true – it felt weird pottering around his flat alone the previous night. Johnny had spent the last six Friday nights with Mark and in some way or another, and every single time Johnny has had his hands on him. Last night he had felt lonely, and Johnny didn’t like it one bit. “You can come over whenever, you know that? Doesn’t have to just be a Friday, I don’t mind.”

“What about Monday night?” Mark asks.

“That’s fine with me.”

“Ok. Great,” Mark says. Johnny can hear the relief in his tone. “I’ll see you Monday.”

.

Johnny has Mark Lee on his mind. After the phone call he’s all Johnny can think about. Every space in his apartment is filled with memories of him, every moment without him feels empty. The physical rush in his chest Johnny gets when he realises that this – this is something else has him frozen in place.

Johnny supposes it’s inevitable really. Mark Lee is like the sun, drawing everyone around him into his orbit. Johnny is only too happy to be pulled in.

It would be impossible _not_ to fall in love with him.

.

“I was thinking,” Mark says as soon as Johnny opens the door on Monday, “there’s something I want to try.”

“No hello?” Johnny jokes, shutting the door behind him and watching Mark set his shoes on the rack. They look just right next to Johnny’s. “Straight to the good stuff.”

“Hello and yes.” Mark answers, pushing his glasses up his nose. _Cute_ , Johnny thinks.

He takes Johnny’s hand and leads him into the living room and Johnny follows along, a little bewildered. Johnny sits down and Mark sits beside him, legs curled up underneath him as he clasps his hands together in front of him. Whatever confidence had been driving Mark seems to be slipping a little – his shoulders rise like he’s steeling himself and Mark’s going back and forth between looking Johnny in the eyes and staring at his hands.

“What was it you wanted to try?” Johnny prompts. He hesitates for a moment before reaching out to place his hand on Mark’s knee.

He is grateful he did though, because it seems to bring Mark back to the moment. Mark unclasps his hands and places one hand on top of Johnny’s, looking him directly in the eyes when he says, “I want to kiss you.”

Johnny’s heartbeat thuds loud in his ears.

“I was thinking this whole weekend about how much I couldn’t wait to get back here and just be close to you,” Mark continues, looking down at their hands. “And the more I thought about the more I realised that it’s different when I’m with you. I don’t feel the same way I do when Hyuck’s hugging me.”

“Are you sure?” Johnny asks. Mark had made leaps and bounds of progress in the past few weeks, but kissing was on another level. Mark had said it himself – he had never kissed anybody sober, and now he was asking to kiss Johnny.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been surer about anything in my life.” Mark says honestly, looking Johnny directly in the eyes. “And that’s saying something.”

Johnny huffs out a laugh. He turns his palm under Mark’s and tangles their fingers together. He can see the hope written clear as day on Mark’s face. “Ok.” Johnny says. “You can kiss me, Mark.”

Mark sits up, squeezing Johnny’s hand. He looks over the moon and Johnny can’t help but smile because Mark Lee is adorable even when he doesn’t try. “Right now?” Mark asks.

“I thought that was what you were asking,” Johnny says. “If you’re ready.”

“I am.” Mark tells him, openly. “Can I…” He gestures to Johnny’s lap.

Johnny lifts his hands, as if to gestures ‘go ahead’ and Mark practically scrambles across the sofa to sit on his thighs. “I want to try something first.” Mark says.

“Go for it.” Johnny says, hands settling on Mark’s waist.

Mark brings a hand up to hold the back of Johnny’s head. With his other hand, he begins to touch Johnny’s face – fingers tracing softly over the shape of his cheekbones, the bridge of his nose and his cupid’s bow. He is so gentle and so focused. Johnny closes his eyes and lets himself get lost in Mark’s touch. He seems focused on Johnny’s lips, spending longer tracing shapes there than anywhere else. It’s hard to hold back the burst of affection Johnny feels deep within his chest.

When Mark stops and cups Johnny’s cheek instead, Johnny’s grip on his waist tightens. Eyes still closed, he can feel the warm huff of Mark’s breath as he gets closer to Johnny’s face. The first kiss is gentle, sweet. Johnny lets Mark lead, his hesitation clear at first, but Johnny kisses him back with enough fervour that it bleeds away quickly.

Mark drops his hand from Johnny’s face and wraps both arms behind Johnny’s head, hand going to rest in Johnny’s hair instead. Their breathing grows harsher and the kiss develops into something else – something more intense. Mark kisses like he can’t get enough of Johnny’s touch. It’s fine though – more than fine, because Johnny feels exactly the same way.

Johnny pulls away and Mark chases his lips. “Mark.”

Mark hums. He looks a little dazed – well-kissed.

“You good?” Johnny asks, leaning forward and pressing their foreheads together. He wants to be sure.

“Never better,” Mark answers, so Johnny doesn’t resist when Mark presses their lips together again.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/seothsayers) !!


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